A Rebel Yell

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-should be just fine. We on, Hood? Great! Loyal citizens, oppressed people and fighters of the good fight, you’re listening to Tommy Thumb on Radio Grimm, the voice of the Resistance coming at you live over the King’s own airwaves!

I’ve been hearing a lot about the fall of Outpost Rapunzel, and how the might of King Cole’s forces bombed it out of existence. This is a sad day for us all. Or it would be if it wasn’t a load of shit. Let me assure you that Outpost Rapunzel is alive and well, accepting defectors and refugees as it always has. Hell, where do you think we’re broadcasting from? There’s only one way through this asteroid field, a hair’s breadth either side and you’re pancaked! Try telling that to the Royal Fleet, though, they’ve blown a dozen ships trying to find it. So don’t sweat it – just another lie from the Crown.

Next up, we’ve got a big shout-out to Captain Muffet who managed to take out a pair of his royal travesty’s cruisers in nothing but a Spider-Class jump fighter. “How’d she manage that, Tom old pal?” I hear you cry. Well, she only lured them into the Waterspout – the most vicious black hole in the sector. She jumped away in time, but the heavier cruisers weren’t quite as lucky. No-one’s sure what happens in a black hole, but it’s happening to those rosies in a big way!

Now, my friends, I want to tell you about an atrocity. Possibly the worst injustice the galaxy has ever seen. I’m sure you’ve all heard the bounty notices, so let me ask you: since when am I only worth 20,000 fucking crowns?! Hell, they’ve got Adam clocking up 35 grand, and we all know Belle’s the real brains, yet I – trash talking Tommy T himself – am barely worth half that. Well, I won’t stand for it. Listeners, whether you’re a loyal fighter for freedom or collaborator scum, write to you local Baron and demand that this salacious pirate of the aether (otherwise known as me) be given a reward befitting his station. I’m thinking half the kingdom, maybe?

In other news, you remember our old friend the Pied Piper? Yeah, the bastard that sold out damn near every rebel on Hamlin. Well, turns out that young Augustus Blue, the Planetary Governor, wasn’t over-keen on paying the agreed amount, so the Piper takes the bio-weapon our lads on Hamlin were working on and wipes out every Rose Red on the whole goddamn planet! Little boy Blue slept through the whole thing, and when the horn sounded next day, there wasn’t anyone left to answer. That Piper is one cold motherfucker. Does it mean he’s a rebel now? Do we really want him to be? Time will tell, I guess.

Tracking us? Sure. How long? Looks like we’re almost out of time, but believe me when I say you are being lied to. The truth out here, though. Log on to Node 314G for the real story. The King, the Three Pigs, Gepetto – you want to know all the shit they’ve done? The password’s “Rumplestiltzkin”, so it’s time you found out, the stuff on there’s pure gold.

Keep fighting the good fight, people, and kick Old King Cole right in his bony–

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