Tales of the Blogbot

The Blogbot is certainly a niche concern for the majority of those who attempt to discover more about the Mechanisms. More often Chroniclers are curious to discover the reasons behind their gambling with galaxies or playing at gods, and yet there are a few who have dedicated themselves to learning about the more obscure members of the Mechanisms’ entourage. Naturally there is even less information about such topics. Some critics suggest that the following theories are entirely groundless and only made up to generate copy. The Blogbot itself has an obsession with collecting such stories, however, and in this manner they are preserved in its databanks for the amusement of future readers.

1. The Monkeys Theorem

Since it was proved in experimentation by the Galactic Central University some four hundred thousand years ago, it has been common knowledge that, if you give enough monkey-like beings sufficient time and sufficient typewriters, they will in fact produce a volume of literature that can be read by one learned in ancient, long-dead languages. There have been a couple of theorists who have applied this logic to the Blogbot, arguing that it actually consists of a vast number of random character generators arranged in sequence. Whenever one of the Mechanisms should happen to see it produce something which makes sense, that section is copied onto the Aurora’s blog. A mathematics magician once demonstrated that, for this model of the Blogbot to produce as much copy as has been published on the blog, the Aurora would have to be a light-year or so across in order to contain it. While this does conflict with all known assumptions of the Aurora’s dimensions there are still those who argue it to be true on the grounds that since the Mechanisms break pretty much every other law in the Universe, it is entirely probably that they break the laws of physics as well.(1)

2. Actually, It’s Ivy

Since no one has ever actually seen the Blogbot, for it spends all of its days aboard the Aurora and may well not be mobile, there is some suspicion as to whether it actually exists at all. Doubters point to the Blogbot’s tendency to only ever refer to itself in the third person, and the fact that the Mechanisms allowing something that so frequently comments on and critiques their behaviour to remain unbroken is unlikely. Various hypotheses have been put forward as to who actually writes the blog instead. Top of the list is, of course, the information power house of Ivy Alexandria’s positronic brain. While it is certainly true that Ivy knows all of the knowledge that the Blogbot imparts, it is also likely that she couldn’t sit down and put it all down in the neat, logical order that is the pinnacle of the Blogbot’s style. It is also unlikely that she would tell quite so many outright lies.

3. The Toy Journalist

The Toy Soldier is a creation that passes all understanding (and patience). Possibly there are other Toy Occupations roaming Space and Time, and possibly one of them has taken upon itself the role of relating the adventures of its comrade and his chums to the masses. One could almost imagine another immortal clockwork automaton arriving in the devastation of the Mechanisms’ wake and interrogating all those who survived in a manner that confused as many stereotypes as possible. Except, of course, no one has ever seen or heard of such a robot. And if they are any relation of the Toy Soldier’s then this complete invisibility tells heavily against their existence.

4. Another Of Nastya’s Girlfriends

Research into automatic blog machinery has revealed that there are as many as a thousand different models scattered across the millennia. A few still survive here and there in museums, causing great amusement (if they still function) as they churn out “opinions” and “suggestions” concerning social problems and artistic movements that were forgotten many centuries earlier.(2) Given that this is entirely the kind of machine that Nastya might pick up in a scrapyard somewhere and bring home for her own private purposes, it could be reasonable to assume that she’s responsible. Criticisms include the strength of her relationship with Aurora possibly limiting any chance of bringing other lovers home to stay, and that – since Nastya will get off with pretty much anything that has metallic moving parts – it is simply too easy to attribute any machine-related question as being her responsibility.

5. Jonny’s Creative Side?

The individual who came up with this theory had only ever seen a photograph of Jonny d’Ville, and thought he seemed somewhat attractively Byronic. He was proved wrong when all life on his planet was wiped out in a year-long shooting spree. Jonny has no creative side.

6. Then What?

Who knows? And yet the fact remains that, somewhere in the bowels of the Aurora, something is churning out copy at an unpredictable and usually slow rate. All we can know for sure is that the Blogbot is a pain in the neck, having written this deliberately misleading article only thereby to crush all hope that it might reveal its own secrets. It’s almost a cry for help. Maybe if it continues to refute all theories as to its nature, eventually some poor soul will become so desperately curious that it will board the Aurora in order to see the Blogbot in the flesh. And have a conversation, perhaps. Maybe even rescue it from the dark room within which it is confined and give it the freedom to roam the galaxy at will, searching for some small ray of hope somewhere that could restore the optimism lost by those who spend any length of time in close quarters with the Mechanisms.

It’s unlikely. But anyone can dream, no?

(1) There is in fact an outstanding warrant for their arrest on this very charge.
(2) Blogging does not date well.